I’ve been told I’m a strong person. Maybe for the most part I am but I do have my fears, my insecurities, and I have had my weak moments. Most of the time it’s just me fighting with myself in my head.
I often go quiet and that can be a problem especially with my loved ones, wondering what’s wrong or why I’m down. It’s not really that I’m down, it’s just a deep feeling within me that’s trying to deal with a certain situation. As in this case…. or the reason for this blog. Sometimes it just can’t be put into words. Sometimes it’s too hard to describe. Hence this post.
I think I’m an over emotional person. Which merely means I can cry at the drop of pin. A lot of the reason for my crying in this scenario is due to regretting my lack of oral care. Most times I want to blame my mother for not pushing me, but she’s not to blame. It’s me. I’m responsible for not taking proper care of my teeth. I’m the one to blame.
I remember, as a young child, a commercial that used to air on television on Saturday mornings about taking care of your teeth and I clearly remember it being about an apple. If you don’t take care of your teeth, you’ll end up eating this apple through a straw. Apple gets tossed in a blender and purified. And that’s the way it is for me now, well, pretty close anyway. Why oh why didn’t I listen to that commercial? Why does it replay in my head now? Why not back then?
So, I find myself feeling guilty, regretful, jealous, envious, rage and hate. Guilty that I didn’t take care of my teeth better. Regret not going to dentists sooner. Jealous and envious of people with a gorgeous smile, beautiful straight teeth. I stare… then I get angry. So angry at myself. I want to go into seclusion and hide. Wishing so bad I could eat steaks, chips, crunchy fresh vegetables and lettuce. And then I get so engulfed in the memories of past experiences with dentists that I just freak out. I’ll start crying if I’m alone, picturing the chair, picturing panicking, gagging, crying. And I turn myself away from it all. I ignore it as I’ve done for the past 21 years.
I’m not an outgoing person. I never was and for the most part its due to my teeth. I’m utterly embarrassed by them. I hate photos, I hate smiling, I hate having to talk to people. I’m humiliated, I’ve heard it all before, I don’t need a lecture.
So now the BIG question: Is it too late? We’ll see.